v3ruc | My emotions: the vampire in the mirror

You know how in some first-person video games you can’t see your own avatar’s body when you look down, only the hand(s) and whatever those are holding? Well, on a mental level, particularly involving emotions, I relate to that. In social situations I tend to be expressive of my emotions, more emotion than I myself am aware of at all. I can see my “hand” but not my “player model”.

I mentioned emotional impermanence in my intro post, I think, and that’s because I can’t recognise any emotion other than the one currently experienced (or perceived in others)(note that I’m not saying it causes me to feel only one emotion at a time, because I am well aware that I, and others, feel more than one thing at a time, but I just can’t tell them apart or perceive them at the same time). Well, this emotional impermanence also plays a large role when I’m trying to get a grasp on myself and how I’m perceived emotions-wise; I myself only notice a small part of the whole, but everyone else sees a lot more. Or at least it feels like that. (Or maybe I just feel like I’m “made of glass” and everyone can see right through my fucking soul, I’ll explain better in a future post that is currently still a rough draft.)

And when I try to use tools to get a better idea of myself, like a therapist or journal or just a good friend I can have this conversation with – a metaphorical mirror – then intellectually I know there’s supposed to me a metaphorical reflection that shows at least the surface of my emotions, but I still don’t see it myself. It’s like I’m a vampire looking in the mirror, emotions-wise. And to be honest, it’s not great, LOL. All it has brought me so far is constantly upsetting my parents and being inadequately equipped to resolve conflict with my friends. Or maybe there’s more stuff happening, like a subtext that I can’t read. Or maybe I’m just overthinking…

I don’t know where I’m going with this post… But if you’ve made it this far through, then congrats, you have caught a glimpse of what is happening inside my mind – or rather: what is lacking there.