Everything Under Veru's Sun

I can't wait for my fingerless gloves to come through the mail. I ordered them last week, and they were expected to arrive either today or tomorrow. I don't have them yet, unfortunately. I could've used it with the cold weather and all. But I shall await it with patience.

I bought two pairs. One leather pair with an open space on the back of the hand for ventilation. Perfect for indoors and warmer weather. They look so cool too! And also a knitted pair that is more like actual gloves except, well, fingerless. Those will be for colder weather like now and when I'm in my apartment while it's freezing. (I'm afraid to dial up the heating thermometer because I'm on a budget here.) I can layer clothes just fine, so my torso and feet will be warm and cosy (I'll just get a blanket for my legs when at home), and but that leaves my hands to get cold. They've been cold for a week now and I hate it.

Younger me didn't buy a lot of things that I got excited about. Partly because I wasn't sure what would make me happy (general teenage uncertainties, lack of role models, poor perception skills to observe others' happy things, and of course, a skedaddling gender), and partly because I was afraid what others would think of me if they found out. I didn't buy my items and clothes to feel good. I bought them to be functional, period. But lately I've been leaning more into "let's fuck around and find out" and I have a clearer picture of myself than before (still got a lot of work to do of course, but you get what I mean). Still no role model, but I take inspirations from the people I admire from a distance or online. Sometimes I come up with random things on my own too. And now that I've done some things that made me genuinely happy or excited every time I think about it, I don't want to go back to before. Once a newborn has drawn its first breath, it does not (and should not, if healthy) want to return to a non-breathing state. Life's too short to cut it even shorter.

P.S. I didn't mean to write a whole paragraph turning a light-hearted post into some exploration of my psyche. But here we are now. This has happened a lot in the past, be it during a simple conversation with friends or in my paper journal, so I guess that's just how it's gonna go. I'd even dare to bet my digital honour on the introspection tag becoming the most used one in the future, or at least coming second place to the daily life shenanigans. Anyone dare to bet differently?

You know how in some first-person video games you can’t see your own avatar’s body when you look down, only the hand(s) and whatever those are holding? Well, on a mental level, particularly involving emotions, I relate to that. In social situations I tend to be expressive of my emotions, more emotion than I myself am aware of at all. I can see my “hand” but not my “player model”.

I mentioned emotional impermanence in my intro post, I think, and that’s because I can’t recognise any emotion other than the one currently experienced (or perceived in others)(note that I’m not saying it causes me to feel only one emotion at a time, because I am well aware that I, and others, feel more than one thing at a time, but I just can’t tell them apart or perceive them at the same time). Well, this emotional impermanence also plays a large role when I’m trying to get a grasp on myself and how I’m perceived emotions-wise; I myself only notice a small part of the whole, but everyone else sees a lot more. Or at least it feels like that. (Or maybe I just feel like I’m “made of glass” and everyone can see right through my fucking soul, I’ll explain better in a future post that is currently still a rough draft.)

And when I try to use tools to get a better idea of myself, like a therapist or journal or just a good friend I can have this conversation with – a metaphorical mirror – then intellectually I know there’s supposed to me a metaphorical reflection that shows at least the surface of my emotions, but I still don’t see it myself. It’s like I’m a vampire looking in the mirror, emotions-wise. And to be honest, it’s not great, LOL. All it has brought me so far is constantly upsetting my parents and being inadequately equipped to resolve conflict with my friends. Or maybe there’s more stuff happening, like a subtext that I can’t read. Or maybe I’m just overthinking…

I don’t know where I’m going with this post… But if you’ve made it this far through, then congrats, you have caught a glimpse of what is happening inside my mind – or rather: what is lacking there.